


Sing My Praises

by Cumberbatch Critter (ivelostmyspectacles)



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dorian Has Issues, Dorian has not made good decisions before, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, I thrive on h/c so I will use that tag often just sayin, M/M, Post-Trespasser, References to (past) unhealthy relationships, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 23:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6349936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/pseuds/Cumberbatch%20Critter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oftentimes, he was just genuinely happy, and dreamily entertained the idea of walking Bull into Tevinter and kissing him up against the wall. </p><p>And sometimes he was so thoroughly defeated by the world that he couldn't even hold his head up and pretend to the person that he loved that everything was <i>okay</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sing My Praises

The bathtub was large enough to drown himself in and, sitting submerged in the steaming water, Dorian could very well sit here long enough to let it. Of course, there was the issue that the water would spill over before it could drown him, and the fact that he was far too fond of life to simply throw it away like that. After everything that he had been through, after everything that they had been through, Dorian had learned all about life, love, acceptance, and friendship. Trials and tribulations, as it were.

Some things did not change, however, and it had been a brutally trying week. Meeting up with Bull in Halamshiral yesterday had helped it, for a moment. The moment where he and Bull had collapsed into bed, all frenzied fingers over fine fabric, muffling his moans into fancy, embroidered pillows, spilling onto silk sheets. That had been good.

And then he had woken up earlier than usual, still sticky from sex with a headache from the drink and the fancy pillow was threatening to smother him, choke the life out of his mouth like he had choked out muffled curses when he had come last night, and he couldn't lay there any longer, Bull's big arm thrown across his chest. He'd wiggled free and gone to draw himself a bath, hoping that the hot water and the way the whole place smelled like a flower garden... well, maybe that would get him out of his head. It was relaxing, right? After everything that was going on in the Imperium now, Maker knew he needed to relax.

The hot water was soothing, certainly, but relaxation? Dorian wasn't sold. He tightened his grip around his legs, and rest his forehead against his kneecaps.

"Kadan?" Dorian's head snapped up. Without any decorum, the bathroom door was suddenly open and Bull stuck his big head in. He still looked half asleep. "What are you doing in here by yourself?"

Dorian put on a small smile. "Just bathing..." Here he was supposed to say _amatus_. He found he could not. "We got quite dirty last night, after all."

Bull smiled fondly. "That we did. Give me a sec, I'll join you."

"Hold a moment." The words fell from his lips before he could think. He swallowed and continued. "We don't both fit, my large friend. We tried the last time, remember?" The bathtub was large, and they had tried. It had been messy, to say the least, with or without the water, which was already close to overflowing as it were.

His false tone and forced smile did not fool his amatus. Of course it did not.

"It didn't stop us before," Bull said, quirking an eyebrow. And then he let it go, surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, Bull always conceded if Dorian so much as sniffed in an unhappy way, and folded his limbs down onto the tiled floor of their Orlesian bathroom as he sat. "There is something bothering my kadan."

Dorian couldn't help but sigh. There was no reason for the smile any longer, when Bull was looking at him in that way, that disinterested and yet _wholly focused_ way that was a paradox in itself. "Don't we have an agreement that we don't talk about our feelings until after the sun rises, Bull?" he asked pleasantly.

"If you're so keen on _agreements_ , friend, I'll remind you that you're supposed to tell your amatus when something is bothering you." Bull's tone was equal to Dorian's, pleasant and almost aloof. They were both trying to downplay. And they both knew it was a serious conversation. "You need to tell me what is bothering you, kadan. I cannot read your mind."

It was never that simple. _"Tell me."_ It was such an easy demand to most people, Dorian was certain, but there had been times, during their relationship, when he hadn't even been able to choke out the most basic of words. Bull's hands on him, unmoving, his good eye staring ever so intently at him while Dorian struggled through the murky depths of his mind to try and figure what he needed to convey. It was a battle on good days; a full scale war on the bad ones. Sometimes, he broke off into Tevene, babbling until the look on Bull's face made him realize he couldn't understand anything he was saying; sometimes, it was so much easier to just say _"It’s okay"_ rather than _"This is what it is"_.

Bull knew him too well, though. Dorian could say _"yes"_ and Bull would say _"no"_ , and they would be at a stalemate until Dorian could work through whatever it happened to be at the time. Dorian knew he didn't have to agree to everything, or even _anything_. But it was instinct. It was something he had done in relationships - _not_ that those had been relationships, mind - before, just to... get it over with, so to speak. Unhealthy decisions, oh yes. He was an old pro at those.

It was different, though, with Bull. Bull called him out on his lies, knew his tells. Sometimes, Dorian thought Bull knew him better than he knew himself.

That was the difference between his past... associations, and this relationship with Bull. He was glad for that. Truly.

But _kaffas_ , if it wasn't still as difficult to put emotions to words, especially now, especially when he _cared_ so fucking much for The Iron Bull to even _risk_ messing it up.

"You are still in your head." Bull spoke, and peeled Dorian away from his own thoughts. He tapped gently on Dorian's skull. "What is going on up here?"

It wouldn't even be so difficult if it wasn't the same old argument he had with himself, over and _over_ again. He was stuck in a ceaseless rut, and it was more tiresome than being magister ever could be. "Do you ever think what we're doing is wrong?" The words slipped out again, slippery like the fragranced bar of soap withering away beneath the surface of the water. He really needed to fish that out. He certainly didn't feel like it now.

"Depends," Bull said loftily. "Which part?"

 _You, me, us, our relationship, our feelings, our fucking_. The same old, same old. _Insecurities_ , Dorian thought, with a small, wry smile. They would be the death of him if the Imperium wasn't.

The real kicker was that they weren't even there all of the time, not now. Oftentimes, he was just genuinely happy, and dreamily entertained the idea of walking Bull into Tevinter and kissing him up against the wall. (Of course it would never happen, could never happen, but fantasies were fantasies for a reason.)

And sometimes? Like now? He was so thoroughly defeated by the world that he couldn't even hold his head up and pretend to the person that he loved - _loved_ , fasta vass! - that everything was _okay_.

Instead, he waved his hand vaguely, motioning between him and Bull, and then dropped his arm back on his kneecaps to await the _"Oh, not this again"_ outburst that he knew, rationally, would never come and still he anticipated it anyway. He dragged his fingers through the bubbles on the water's surface, and did not look up when Bull made a noise that was neither here nor there in terms of actual communication.

"Your family again," Bull said, except it was more like a growl, and Dorian cringed a little.

"No, no," he interjected. "Not my family." Not this time, not what was left of them.

"Mm. Good."

"I've just had some... situations arise lately."

Bull straightened up. "Do I need to go kick some ass, kadan?"

Maker, if it wasn't one of his bad days, but the thought of Bull marching into the Imperium to casually kick ass in defense of their life choices made him laugh before he could think of a proper response.

"You like that idea," Bull commented with a grin.

Dorian's hand sunk into the water, searching out that elusive bar of soap. "I like many ideas, but none of them are particularly beneficial."

Bull shrugged. He leaned forward to prop his elbows up on the thin edge of the bathtub. "Who was it this time?"

The soap shot from between his fingers. He had just found it beneath the bubbles. _Vishante kaffas_ , he still had to explain this story. "... A friend of mine. Well, he wasn't really a friend, more an acquaintance, really," he allowed. "He was..." _gay_. "He was... like us. Like me," he amended. "He was a good man, he supported me when some others did not." Dorian sighed softly, and leaned against the side of the tub himself. "He was found. Murdered. Just last week. Rather brutally, actually, with a rather specific message left for people of ‘the magister’s kind’ on his person."

Bull swore in Qunlat; Dorian politely pretended that he did not know what he was saying.

"And, naturally, there is the unending talk of finding me a wife," he continued, throwing his hands up in a false display of _can you believe the nerve!_ "I must have an heir. On and on it goes, Bull. It's rather draining, if I'm being frank." It was only infinitesimally easier to talk about now that he had gotten started. "Forgive my sullen moods, I just-"

He didn't get to continue, because Bull reached over and gripped his shoulder, dragging him into a hug that crushed his body against the side of the tub and his face into Bull's chest. "Oh, _Maker_ , Bull, you're crushing me," he garbled out.

"Loving someone is never wrong."

Dorian stilled, bracing his arm against the bath.

"There are many questionable things," Bull said, "that you and I have done. That any person that walks on this side of the Fade can do. Being in love? That is not one of them, kadan."

 _Of course not_. Dorian sighed, slumping a little against Bull's chest. He would have reached his arms around him, was his skin not shining with water and speckled with suds. Bull didn't seem to mind, but Dorian was partially pinned to his chest, anyway.

"Do you enjoy yourself?" Bull asked. "With me? Our relationship."

"Surely that's rhetorical." And yet he has asked if Bull thought they were in the wrong, and so it needed an answer. "Every moment I am with you is a blessing I still think I do not deserve, if honesty is in at the moment," he admitted.

"Then fuck them," Bull replied, and Dorian shivered at Bull's breath against his ear. "What they think is their own damn prerogative. They say that _we're_ ," Bull stressed, "wrong, but they're the ones attacking _us_. If you like tits, great. If you like cock, great. Or if you like both or neither, that's fucking wonderful, too."

Dorian laughed, a little strangled, as the emotion clouted up his throat and made it hard to form anything vocal save the watery laugh. "I know, I know," he managed, and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. _You always say the things I need to hear the most._

"So long as you're happy, and you aren't hurting anyone? There's nothing wrong with being in love with whoever you want, gender notwithstanding."

Dorian sighed shakily. "Such a romantic, Bull."

Bull grunted, pecking a kiss against the top of Dorian's head. "It's just common sense, kadan."

"I know. Hard to shake, sometimes, I guess." Dorian finally found it in himself to pull away from Bull, and subtly wiped at his eyes as he turned away in pretense to look for the soap again. "I'm sorry. I am being ridiculous."

"Nah." Bull brushed a cluster of bubbles away from his arm. "Your Imperium battered their definition of ‘normal’ into you for ages. Made you feel inferior for it. We're just people, kadan, every one of us. And we're all valid regardless of who we love."

He really _was_ romantic. And... right. Dorian knew. Bull was right. He did, he knew, he was not in the wrong and regularly, he could be gay and happy and it was all fine. But the days where the bad things happened, like with his acquaintance? It had all came rushing back, and collapsing into bed with Bull without discussing what had been going on in his life had only exacerbated it.

Another case of "use your words, Dorian".

Still making poor decisions, then. At least they weren't the same poor decisions of his past. He didn't _regret_ going to bed with Bull first thing last night; it was just that act that brought up the, what, internalized _hate_? The internalized fear, the shame? Of course he had that sort of thing. Made sense, though. He had squared things off with his father, but some part of him would never be at peace with his family's opinion. Look what those opinions had done to him, reducing him to holding himself together in an Orlesian bathtub while his amatus told him he was valid.

"I love you," he blurted.

And there was the corresponding "your words are out of control, Dorian". Now he was going to blush. Splendid!

"Love you, too," Bull boomed, and pushed himself to his feet. "Now! I'm going to go look for breakfast. I'll have it brought in on a tray, and we can eat it in bed. They have these _chocolates_ that are positively _orgasmic_ , I swear. I'll feed them to you by hand, kadan."

Dorian smiled softly. "That would be lovely, amatus. Perhaps we'll share them, even?"

"If you want to, I'm down for that." Bull smiled. "Clean yourself up, Dorian. Or don't. Either works for me." The smile turned into a grin. "I'll have breakfast waiting." With that, Bull ducked out of the bathroom, leaving Dorian to his soap bubbles and cooling water.

Validation. Huh.

"... That might be a little better than a hot bath." Dorian shook his head a bit and set to rinsing off the soap and the bad vibes. When he was down, Bull always picked him back up. And the feeling that came from that? Nothing about that could be wrong, or bad, or shameful.

He might not be perfect, true. But being in love with Bull?

That was _not_ one of his mistakes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A+ usage of the "Dorian Has Issues" tag. I will write him being confident in this relationship one day. (don't get me wrong; I do think he is; heteronormativity just rears up more often than he needs) I just need Bull taking care of him, okay?
> 
> I do not own _Dragon Age_. Thanks for reading! :)


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